There's nothing to fear ...
... except your own damn Ego
How do we make our dreams and wants and desires into reality?
It's a question that's been on my mind more than normal over the past week or so as I neared the one-year anniversary of THINK --( which was this past week…Yay!)
But it's also a topic that's been popping up with several friends, family members, and even with a couple of my clients.
What I hear most often coming up for people is fear. Not fear of the goal, not fear of the hard work it takes to make dreams reality, not fear that they can't do what it takes to get what they want.
No, what I see and hear most often is that the fear boils down to just one thought: I don't know how ... .
Not just how to do something. But even more scary -- how will I deal with the potential ramifications of taking action and making change?
Heck, even Maria Shriver was talking about it yesterday on Instagram. Preach, sister.
Under every "I don't know how" there's always the deeper twin fears of "I don't know how I will handle/navigate the consequences of pursing what is truly desired." And, "I don't know how others will handle/respond to me if I pursue what I want."
We stay in marriages because we don't want to hurt a spouse by leaving him or her. Some people even stop going dancing, hanging out with buddies, or don't want to lose weight because all that could make a spouse uncomfortable and upset the status quo.
We stay in jobs because we don't trust ourselves enough to handle the loss of ego if we give up our big title. Or we don't think we'd be respected or loved quite as much if we quit our jobs corporate management and went out on a limb as a full-time dog-walker.
We stay on the sidelines because if we really get in the game, we might get fouled, hit in the head with a baseball, or tackled in a body blow that leaves us gasping on the 5 yard line.
Worse yet. We just might not achieve what we want because, well, that's what happens in life. Sometimes you put yourself way out of your comfort zone and reach for and grab hold of the big, brass ring ... and sometimes you reach out for it, miss it, and grab hold of a whole lotta nothing instead. Maybe you weren't talented enough. Maybe somebody else got there first. Maybe you didn't make enough effort.
(That last one's the one that really hurts.)
Hamlet's soliloquy is completely apropos here where he talks about how our fear of something unknown makes us sit tight and not do anything at all. And we all know how that turned out for the Prince of Denmark.
Who would fardels [burdens] bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Why are we so afraid of the unknown? And is it more a symptom of people after they reach a certain age or stage in life?
When we're young, everything's unknown, right? Riding a bike. Driving a car. Starting a first job. Going to college. Getting on a plane the first time. Leaving the nest to live on your own. Getting married. Swinging from the chandeliers (or was that just me?).
So, what happens as we age? Why do we become more fearful -- often too fearful -- to take risks, pursue what we really want, go for broke, risk life and limb?
At what point precisely, do we turn into scaredy-cats?
It'd be easy to say that, well, we simply have more to lose when we're older -- money, status, relationships, reputation, jobs.
It's tempting to believe that we're all just protecting what we've got. But I don't buy that for a hot minute.
I think what really stops us is ego.
When we're young, we're not so heavily invested in maintaining our ego. We barely have one in our teens and 20s anyway and even if we do, most of us aren't yet so wrapped up in it that we can't go right ahead and make big, honking fools of ourselves from time to time.
We fall in love with people who don't love us back. We get fired from jobs we shouldn't have had in the first place. We quit the 5K halfway through because we tied one on the night before. We dance with abandon in the middle of the dance floor at the chi-chi nightclub completely unaware that our skirt is snagged in the back, caught in the band of our underwear since we went to the bathroom 30 minutes earlier (oh, wait, was that just me again?).
But somewhere in our 40s, earlier for some, later for others, our ego becomes so paramount in our lives that we just can't stand the thought of having egg on our faces.
I set out some BIG dreams and desires for myself recently when I announced in these pages that I want to grow my readership TEN TIMES from what it currently is. And I want to do that within one year to boot. (Yikes, we're at 355 days left, and counting ... .)
A couple of people have asked me, "How ya going to do that, MC?" The answer is, mostly, I have no clue. I'll probably throw everything and the kitchen sink at it though, and see what works. The thought did skitter across my mind, "What if I don't get 1,000 more readers? What if I don't even get one hundred? How will that look next fall when I have egg yolk dripping down my face?"
I also went out on a limb and shouted from the rooftops that I'm writing a serialized book. Something I've never done, and something I have a massive amount of fear around doing.
The book, "Boys of Beantown," is supposed to launch in November. I haven't written a word of it and don't know how to start it, and I'm scared I'll fail big time and have to refund everybody's subscriptions ... and the shame, oy, the shame!
I kid, really, because though I might be wiping egg off my face in a year, and I might have to refund everybody's money, and I might have to suffer the slings and arrows of "How'd that book turn out for ya, MC?" ... you know what?
I'm okay either way.
Because more than I want 1,000 subscribers, and more than I want to write a book, and more than I want to NOT have to refund any subscriptions ... more than any of that, I just want one simple thing:
I want to live while I'm alive.
And being alive means failing ... and succeeding ... failing some more ... and then doing it all over again.
Living while I'm alive means being willing to feel foolish, embarrassed, disappointed, or to even be knocked flat on my ass. It means being willing to let others judge me and find me lacking (in their opinion).
Living while I'm alive means calling bullshit on the thought, "I'm too old," "I don't have time," "I've got too much work to do," or "I don't have enough money in the bank to spend time on writing."
Because absolutely none of that is true. It's just my ego talking shit.
Ego, schmego.
I'm going balls to the wall. And if I crash and burn, well, it’ll be like being 18 all over again, right?
So, back to the "how." How do you make your dreams and desires and biggest wants come into reality?
I only know of one answer and I think Nike said it first: Just do it.
Do it. And if my own life experience, and the stories I've heard others tell, is anything to go by -- when you articulate your goal, when you say it out loud, when you stop listening to ego tell you you can't, when you decide you'd rather live on your feet than die on your knees, when you're in that mental space and stay there -- I can tell you FOR SURE, the "how" will come to you.
Notice I'm not saying success will appear or your dreams will be realized. But I'm telling you seven ways to Sunday, this much I know for sure: the way of the "how" will appear.
I don't know how I'm going to get 1,000 subscribers and how in heck I'm going to finish my book, but I believe the "how" will unfold with every step I take forward.
And anyway, trying and failing sounds like a helluva lot more fun than succeeding at not trying.
And, if I fail, hey ... eggs can always be washed off in the shower.
Not trying at all? That's a stain on my soul that will never come out in the wash.
You know what I'm doing over the next 12 months ... so, tell me, what big dream are you putting into action?
Say yes to something that seems undoable and out of reach. Say yes to the improbable magic of life. And if you feel like it, write a reply below or send me an email and tell me what undoable thing you're going to get done. I’m right there with you.
I want to live while I'm alive.
MC - I love that concept - it is a palpable feeling I have every day. To be in motion. Hit a brick wall at 80 mph and just say f$%k it - dust yourself off and keep going. My dad always told me that we truly don't learn from our successes - the euphoria of achieving something takes us away and we typically don't get too reflective. He continues by saying, "it is when you get knocked off the shit wagon and are bruised, dazed, and wobbly, one tends to get a little humble and reflective. These are the character-building moments of our lives.
I love my sister's line - "you can't steer a parked car." Yup!
Faith is truly about taking steps when the path is not clear. Courage is not the absence of fear...it is acknowledging you are scared shitless and press forward anyway.
MC - yes, I have swung from the chandeliers (as you - apparently - did). I did not get caught with my skirt caught in my underwear on the dance floor (I actually got away with it! ...just kidding!).
Here's to living life to the fullest...while we can.
Thank you!
Love. Love! Right at right time for me to read. You’re beyond a great writer and thinker. And person. I’ll wait for ad long as it takes to read Boys of Beantown.